Bono’s Blog

I never liked John P. Mackey, the libertarian nut CEO of Whole Foods. He’s always going on and on about how we shouldn’t let outsiders fix other people’s problems. I put that grief aside. But now that he’s been outed by the New York Times for using an alias, I can contain my anger no longer. I bet he wishes someone from the outside would fix his problem now!

He wrote on Yahoo Finance under the alias Rahodeb, bashing his competitor and remarking about the real Mackey:

“I like Mackey’s haircut. I think he looks cute!” Rahodeb wrote on April 28, 2000.

I’m stating now for the record that I will never write under an alias or pseudonym, and that I do not think John Mackey looks cute.

I knew it was only a matter of time before an additional Bono superpower was discovered and disseminated throughout the world. (Previously revealed powers include making starvation disappear, crafting masterful lyrics out of thin air and doing my own laundry.

As Johnny Borrell from Razorlight explained, when I end a cell phone call, the person on the other end has their entire call history — including my number — erased. To me, this is perfectly logical. If my number were to ever get out, the calls would never stop. It would be, “Hi Bono, I’m your biggest fan in the whole universe,” and, “Bono, just speak a single syllable to me and I will die a happy man,” or some pathetic schmuck in Africa saying, “Bono, help me, I have AIDS.” Well, ladies and gentlemen, Bono is a very important man. Right after posting this I’m going to meet with the United Nations Secretary General in Switzerland, just to shoot the shit. I don’t have time to hear your praises, accolades, compliments, flattery, or even fawning.

You might be wondering how I even figured out how to erase peoples’ call histories. That, my devoted fans, is a power for another day.

A lot of people are upset about Bush’s recent actions commuting Scooter Libby’s prison sentence. Let’s be clear: It’s not a full pardon. Libby still has to pay some fines regarding the case of the CIA leak. And I’ve always said: “Don’t commit the crime if you can’t pay the fines”. But seriously, I look at this as Bush forgiving Libby. And haven’t we all been there? Haven’t we all screwed up at some point? On the Popmart Tour, The Edge kept getting off-key on “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” and I forgave him every time. I mean, I also levied a small fine of 500 BonoBucks, U2’s internal currency exchange system, which keeps us all in check. (One BonoBuck is worth approximately 100 euros.)

The point is, like Bush, I saw that a subordinate was in trouble and had learned his lesson. Would 30 months in jail have really taught Libby anything? I’ll answer your question with a question: Would Edge be any better at playing guitar after 30 months in prison? I rest my case.

My dear friend and companion Steve Jobs says kids who got the One Laptop Per Child laptop were disappointed. He’s only telling half the story.

Child without U2 music on his laptop:

Child with U2 music pre-loaded on her laptop:

Steve’s just jealous that he’s not the only computer maker I’m doing deals with to bring music to the world.

Sorry Steve. I can’t be fully committed to you until you stop getting in bed with Google who just dissed our mutual buddy Michael Moore.