Bono’s Blog

I never liked John P. Mackey, the libertarian nut CEO of Whole Foods. He’s always going on and on about how we shouldn’t let outsiders fix other people’s problems. I put that grief aside. But now that he’s been outed by the New York Times for using an alias, I can contain my anger no longer. I bet he wishes someone from the outside would fix his problem now!

He wrote on Yahoo Finance under the alias Rahodeb, bashing his competitor and remarking about the real Mackey:

“I like Mackey’s haircut. I think he looks cute!” Rahodeb wrote on April 28, 2000.

I’m stating now for the record that I will never write under an alias or pseudonym, and that I do not think John Mackey looks cute.

I knew it was only a matter of time before an additional Bono superpower was discovered and disseminated throughout the world. (Previously revealed powers include making starvation disappear, crafting masterful lyrics out of thin air and doing my own laundry.

As Johnny Borrell from Razorlight explained, when I end a cell phone call, the person on the other end has their entire call history — including my number — erased. To me, this is perfectly logical. If my number were to ever get out, the calls would never stop. It would be, “Hi Bono, I’m your biggest fan in the whole universe,” and, “Bono, just speak a single syllable to me and I will die a happy man,” or some pathetic schmuck in Africa saying, “Bono, help me, I have AIDS.” Well, ladies and gentlemen, Bono is a very important man. Right after posting this I’m going to meet with the United Nations Secretary General in Switzerland, just to shoot the shit. I don’t have time to hear your praises, accolades, compliments, flattery, or even fawning.

You might be wondering how I even figured out how to erase peoples’ call histories. That, my devoted fans, is a power for another day.

A lot of people are upset about Bush’s recent actions commuting Scooter Libby’s prison sentence. Let’s be clear: It’s not a full pardon. Libby still has to pay some fines regarding the case of the CIA leak. And I’ve always said: “Don’t commit the crime if you can’t pay the fines”. But seriously, I look at this as Bush forgiving Libby. And haven’t we all been there? Haven’t we all screwed up at some point? On the Popmart Tour, The Edge kept getting off-key on “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” and I forgave him every time. I mean, I also levied a small fine of 500 BonoBucks, U2’s internal currency exchange system, which keeps us all in check. (One BonoBuck is worth approximately 100 euros.)

The point is, like Bush, I saw that a subordinate was in trouble and had learned his lesson. Would 30 months in jail have really taught Libby anything? I’ll answer your question with a question: Would Edge be any better at playing guitar after 30 months in prison? I rest my case.

My dear friend and companion Steve Jobs says kids who got the One Laptop Per Child laptop were disappointed. He’s only telling half the story.

Child without U2 music on his laptop:

Child with U2 music pre-loaded on her laptop:

Steve’s just jealous that he’s not the only computer maker I’m doing deals with to bring music to the world.

Sorry Steve. I can’t be fully committed to you until you stop getting in bed with Google who just dissed our mutual buddy Michael Moore.

So the Spice Girls are having a reunion tour. I guess they got them all together again. Even the Sporty one, and no one even remembers her.

Have you noticed that U2 has never had a reunion tour? Now, why is that? Oh yeah, you don’t need to have a reunion when you’ve been together for 31 YEARS!

I think that most bands break-up because members want to peruse solo careers. Not U2. The other band members know that they would be NOTHING without me. Well, maybe The Edge. But not those other two. What are their names? The guy on drums looks like Kenickie from Grease. And the other guy… let’s just say that if we had nicknames, he would be Grey-Haired-Can’t-Keep-A-Chick Spice.

Fans, you may ask yourself, “why doesn’t Bono start his own solo career?” That is an excellent question. The truth is, my dedication to charity extends beyond the scope of Africa, encompassing the sad Brits that play back up as well. If I left them, they would end up as talking heads on VH1’s Behind the Music and contestants on Dancing with the Stars. Plus, that Kenickie guy gives phenomenal back massages.

Photo by atomicjeep

Have you heard about the female shark that impregnated itself? So this blacktip reef shark had no lover, no special someone to call her own, and she gets pregnant anyway. The world is truly a mysterious and beautiful place. But I have to admit, this has thrown me for a loop.

A lot of my songwriting comes from a special place between “A Man and a Woman” (as the song says). If mammals are going to start procreating solo, where does that leave my music? I’m no zoologist, but if our women won’t need us anymore, than they won’t need love songs, right? What will be the point of pop music at all? I can only write “Baby You Don’t Need Me, But I Still Need You” so many different ways.

Photo by richard ling

People ask me all the time how I can identify with the Third World poor given my extraordinary wealth. Does this answer your question?

From Free Market News Network (6/26/07):

“You have to understand,” Bono replied to the journalist, “that in these people’s eyes there is no difference between you and me.”

“You haven’t seen my salary,” the interviewer responded with a laugh.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Bono. “You have a roof over your head. Three squares a day. Clean drinking water. A doctor who sees you when you’re sick. In the eyes of these people, you have everything.”

Don’t think about my partnership in Forbes Media-owning private equity firms. Or that people give me free penthouses. In the eyes of a poor African child, I’m just Bono.

As you probably know, years back, in the late 90s, I became highly involved in raising both money and awareness for what was then a little known autoimmune virus. AIDS was an epidemic which plagued millions of people in Africa, and in my effort to bring an end to this fatal ailment, I am ready to accept that I failed. Mission not accomplished. Eight years after I began my endeavor to end AIDS, the deadly disease still exists. Perhaps I should have devoted more time, raised more money, not done the Western Europe ’02 tour. I really thought I could rid the world of this thing in like 6 years tops.

So where does this leave me? As of today, June 26, 2007, I hereby announce I will refocus my AIDS energy to another disease, one which affects even more millions of individuals each year: mononucleosis. The 2007 “Bono for Mono” campaign will raise awareness about this frightening illness. Thousands of suburban teenagers agonize over the fatigue-inducing virus each year and something needs to be done. Headaches, tiredness, dry coughing, and loss of appetite are some, actually, almost all (I left out skin rash, but that happens in very few cases) of the symptoms which accompany mono.

I experienced the devastation of mononucleosis first hand when former United States’ Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Jack Kemp (really the only politician who would agree to go with me) joined me for a visit to the Roslyn, NY home of mono patient Brett Stein. Brett was groggier than any teenager I’ve ever met. When he reached for three more Advil to alleviate his headache, he said something Jack and I will remember for a lifetime, “This fucking sucks. Jill Rothberg’s parents are going away this weekend, and there’s no way my mom is letting me out of the house to go there.” Fourteen days later Brett was back in school, testing negative for the virus. I can’t help but think we made a difference.

Photo by euthman

My wife Ali launched an exploited-labor free clothing line in Florence last week called Edun.

“Edun is not a charity. It’s a project for social development aimed primarily at Africa,” said Hewson. She said the company teaches suppliers how to grow raw materials and shows workers how to use the cloth weaving machines. Edun clothes are produced in India, Peru, Tunisia, Kenya, Uganda, Lesotho, Mauritius and Madagascar.

This clothing line is important for a couple reasons. Firstly, casual U2 fans mistakenly believe that my sexuality transcends concrete mammalian male-female, male-male, rock star-fish boundaries — that my divine and ubiquitous libido hovers in the stratosphere, germinates the flora in the fields — that my seed somehow is the “One” force that allows life, blood and love to carry on.

Well as it turns out, I do have a mortal wife (we met before U2 formed). So it’s silly to suggest that I promulgate the above holy status, or that I shrug my shoulders and grin mysteriously when asked if Ali is my sister.

Secondly, purchasing sweatshop-free clothing is sort of like eating a glutton-free diet — an obvious and consciously-sound choice. (Except while you healthily deprive your body of wheat, rye, barley and oats, no one in Africa is really benefiting). My friend wife is spot on with this program that will establish sustainable industry in these developing nations. I’m reminded of an adage: If you give a man some fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, he’ll eventually learn how to deplete a bountiful resource and cause horrific environmental consequences.

Cheers!

Photo by medapt.org

Sonic Youth gets a celebrity comp at Starbucks? Last I checked, I was in the Biggest Band in the World (still U2 baby, not those other guys). Apparently taking two steps 20 steps backward is the way into the latte crowd’s hearts.

What would a U2 celebrity comp look like? I’ve got probably the only cell phone in the world with both David Bowie’s and Benjamin Netanyahu’s numbers, so you know it’ll be pure rock ‘n roll.

1. “Sunday Bloody Sunday” (Chosen by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad)
2. “I Will Follow” (Chosen by Condoleeza Rice)
3. “In God’s Country” (Chosen by George W. Bush)
4. “Even Better than the Real Thing” (Chosen by Steven Spielberg)
5. “Numb” (Chosen by Thom Yorke)
6. “Tryin’ to Throw Your Arms Around the World” (Chosen by Bill Gates)
7. “Vertigo” (Chosen by Kate Moss)
8. “Eye of the Tiger” (Chosen by Lindsey Lohan - I don’t think she knows we didn’t write that song, but we’ll cover it because she’s a sweet girl.)
9. “With or Without You” (Chosen by Scooter Libby)
10. “Fuck You, Anarchist” (Okay, this wasn’t a song choice, it’s what Bill O’Reilly emailed back to me. We’ll just assume he wanted “Beautiful Day”.)
11. “Bad” (Chosen by Samuel L. Jackson)
12. Thirteen minutes of feedback and Kim Gordon humming (Chosen by Thurston Moore - he’s still a nice guy)

Photo by Stig Nygaard